Flowers of Ice (A short story by Jaya Jadvani)

"And this is the pic of our new home...," he said placing a beautiful picture on the table,"...how is it? ...small, but not bad...its only us to live in. See...it's the same you have dreamed of."

He was looking the picture in different angles unaware of how surprised she was, watching him and the picture. This is an unbelievable dream, which both of them dreamed together, which has taken them far away, which could never be blurred in their heart through the immense struggles of life. Beliefs come into life some times, but it is only heard, not seen...

"Whats up ? Don't like it ?" He shook her shoulders.

She just snatched the picture from his hands.

"See...this is neither a dream nor a joke...!" He looked her face seriously.

"Yes man, neither dream nor joke...!" She said, grabing his cold hands between her warm palms. 

"Why are you so surprised? I took this pic myself with my own camera, just to show you. I always used to say...the house is under constriction now. So it was building inside me. Before three years, I went to mussoorie for some work. Some outsider was building this house. May be, there purpose was to live there in the summers. The furniture was getting ready, when the owner living in Dehradun died. His son doesn't want the house now. I got to know through some agent. I immediately made a deal and offered the first installment. I didn't tell you on phone as I thought I'd surprise you when we'd meet in couple of years. So, how was my surprise?"

He finished the story but she was still stuck at the point, where the house was building. Many impossible dreams keep building in our heart for years. No one seems to be in hurry. We put the bricks one by one. Sometimes we are out of bricks, sometimes out of cement and sometimes out of sand. Sometimes the constricted wall gets collapsed and sometimes the plaster comes out from the wall. We always keep on building them again and again proving ourselves wrong. 

"This is the complete picture." She felt an strange sensation while touching his hand with her fingers. When Shashwat held her hand for the very first time, she felt such a deep sensation in her body that he stopped listening anything. But it was different today. She felt like she held the hand of some stranger by mistake. Shashwat was still waiting for her reply.

"Mind blowing." She also tried to smile.

"What's up ? You are not happy ?"

"I can't believe. No impossible dream came true in my life ever."

"Its only once when an impossible dream comes true in life. You will start believing in some time."

"Why it happens Shashwat, when we grow up we forget believing on small pleasures."

"Yeah...don't know...!" He shook his head.

"By the way, seems like its only me who is grown up. You are still the same, like a young child..."

She started laughing. A wounded laugh. While running, a pink frock gets stuck in the bushes and remains stuck there for years... many storms, rains and weathers pass by. The pink color becomes white with the time.

"You know, I have become a granny this September."

"Good." He laughed..."How is she ?"

"Nice."

"How cute you daughter is."

"Yes, just like her mother." She said smiling.

"Don't you feel strange in this new role. You must be feeling troubled."

"I don't feel that its my life, that he is my son and she is my daughter. Yes of course they are, but I'm still on the same position searching my own way. Who is she, who has come so far ?" 

After a very long time, he is looking her so emotional. Otherwise, she doesn't shed tears even on parting away from him. He always sobs, by the way. She has always said, we'll be in trouble if we mix the inner world with the outer world. We'll have to live them separately. He is watching her silently. 

"I cared for everyone's will, from my husband to my children, for what they wanted. But nobody asked me what I wanted. For years, even I was afraid of asking this to myself, and then you came. Believe me, I never asked it to myself again. You start feeling afraid if all your wishes come true."

"I used to think a lot about how I'd live with you, about visiting several places where I want to go with you. O' God! Though I never believed on god but whenever I remembered your face, I prayed God for you. And see, I got you. It's true, when you yearn for something by your heart many unknown powers help you. I didn't believe it earlier, but truly, now I want to believe everything."

"Yeah…" She was laughing.

"Old men start believing everything."

"Hello! How dare you call yourself old?"

"Not me, I'm calling you old." She replied with fun.

"Are you not in me?" He pulled her grabbing her arm.

"It's Only You."

"OK, where we planned to go."

She is lying beside him silently. He is playing with her strands... This used to be hot, the body used to be burn, now eyes want to blink calmly. Body is not always hungry like soul.

"Mcleodganj, Sikkim, Tibet. You like when it raining in mountains. Now you will have it all... in your hand. Twenty five years..." He keeps speaking.

"Have you ever thought, whatever we have to do, we have to do it in these twenty five years. Job, marriage, children, their upbringing, building a home, hundreds of tensions... You don't have time to think about yourself. You get tied in a set pattern. And then you pass your life in the same routine. The values, we used to criticize once, turn to be the standards for us."

"Let's start over afresh." He said pushing back her melancholy.

"Yes, from the first meeting. How beautiful you were, excellent...I was gone mad, literally. I asked myself if I could hold this hand only for once?”

"So I 'were' beautiful?" She commented, surrounding his face with both of her hands.

"I mean, you’re still."

"Leave it, now you're not in age of lying."

"Where this age comes in between from? It didn't happen those days." He said in tone of complain.

"I'm also thinking it, Shashwat. I also realized it for the first time. Is this a factor, which can't be ignored?" She is also surprised.

"Whatever surrounds you, must be reminding you always."

"Your son is now grown up, must be of twenty five."

"Yes, he is like his father. She loves a girl. Once he brought her to see me. I discovered only by watching her eyes. Both of us accepted at once. How strange, a man can't get the pleasure by winning the world that he gets by winning a girl. Woman fills his heart and his soul. He wants to give all the joys to her. Have you ever read a biography of a man, who doesn't have a girl in his life? His life is a ruined desert." He starts peeping into himself. She didn't disturb. She was listening hiding her face near his shoulder... the heartbeat of his heart... the flowing sound of his blood.

"After all, he is closer to me, shares all his problems with me, stays up at night until I return home. I like the feeling that someone is waiting for me. I always think of him and I return soon."

"What will you tell him Shashwat, that both of us father and son, are going to start a new life. He will not ask any question?”

"You women are very practical. You don't take a single minute in returning from you dreams to reality." He said pressing her against him.

Both of them got silent. Was it a question that never discussed or had been ignored?

"We are again choosing the same system for us, which we run away from. If it didn't work then, how about this time? Don't we have any other option?"

"What option?  First, we are already very late. How much has passed. We will lose the rest of our lives searching for right option. No, it's decided. We'd have a home. I'm also going to retire. We will live together. That's it."

"Let's take some more trouble. Let's announce it before everyone. The family members will also be saved from the insult."

"Family members! You’re still thinking for them."

"You're not? Can you tell your grown up children? Can I tell? How can I say I'm leaving after passing thirty years with a man? Will he not ask what his mistake is. I'm more scared of my daughter in law than my son. Will even he understand? Who will understand?"

"Are you now scaring me when our dream is going to come true?"

"I am not scaring you. I'm afraid, in fact. We were coward. We made it very late. If we'd have done it in the beginning, what could the family and society have done? They'd have been silent after crying and shouting a little or more. Children were also young; we'd not have to answer them directly. Now we can't even tell the reason behind it."

"We'll say we love each other."

Gandhi in India

"This book teaches the religion of love instead of the religion of hate, respects self sacrifice instead of violence and prepares the will power to face muscle power." (from Hind Swaraj by Mahatma Gandhi)

I don't know whether Gandhi was a philosopher or a politician but he was definitely a great leader with a great vision. He inspired the generations of Indian politicians, activists and thinkers. He simply became the definition of India worldwide. Gandhi is a different person to every one in India. For the Hindu fundamentalists, he is an anti hindutva and pro islamic villain whom they murdered for the welfare of their greatest religion and people from the right wing simply hate him as they were told to do so by their ancestors who never had enough time and intellect to understand Gandhi. For Dalit activists too, Gandhi is kinda antagonist who supported the caste system in Hindu culture and disagreed with the aggressive  ways of Mr. Ambedkar, a renowned Dalit activist of his time. For capitalist too, Gandhi can't be a favorite person and ideology as he was always against capitalism, industrialism and so called development. Socialist activist here are also compelled to disagree with Gandhi as Gandhi was not happy with the violent ways adopted for social inequality by socialism. For Gandhians, Gandhi is a statue not an ideology. They never wasted their time to understand his visions. They preferred worshiping him to understanding him. Many ones here hate him as they think that non violence is a way to failure, though most of these non violence supporters are at the lowest end of power chain. 

So in India, all they know about Gandhi is that he was a very weak and coward leader who supported non violence and lead India to failure. Gandhi is most misunderstood in his own country. Actually, he was born in a country where people know nothing but the religion, the culture.

A short trip to Nainital

Hello friends, it's just yesterday, when I returned from my trip to Nainital. It was after a long time, when I visited a place for fun. It was the birthday of my spouse, so we decided to go on a short trip. Nainital is a hill station, which is only 6 hours away from Delhi. We took a train from Delhi station in the night and reached there early morning next day. We stayed in a very informal hotel without TVs and phone lines, having a very polite attendant. It was at the beginning of the Mall Road but the way to the hotel was very tough as it was situated very high on the hill. I had caught the cold infection in my way to Nainital so I was not feeling well there. I was feeling sleepy and tired when we checked in the hotel. After resting for a long time, we went out of the room. 

The first thing that attracted my girl friend was the boating in the Naini Lake but I suggested her to first take a walk in the city and then go for boating. So we walked through The Mall and reached the other side of the city. We took our lunch and decided to go for the rope way journey but unfortunately the tickets were not available for the same day so we had to make a booking for the next day. We returned to the boating point but it was the closing time for boating too. Then we walked back to our hotel as she was feeling very tired. We had a hot conversation there and it took a long time. Then we celebrated her birthday. But the party could not be completed perfectly as the wine bottle, which I have purchased as a gift for her, could not be opened. I did not know the proper way to open it as its first time for me taking wine. We struggled a lot but could not open the cork, fixed on it. Finally, we had to postpone the plan and went to bed. We ordered maggy in our hotel and it worked as dinner. 


Next day, we were again late in going out of the room. This time we went for boating at first and it was proved to be really fantastic. We enjoyed a lot during our paddle boat ride, though I got a backache due to it. Then we went for rope way journey and it was really a fantastic experience. Both of us loved it. We were taken really very high by the rope way and it was great to see the city from there. We walked there for some time and enjoyed a ride on a very dangerous free falling trolley. I didn't have enough heart for it but my girl friend forced me for it. And believe me I was very nervous before and during the ride. Having stayed there for an hour we returned to the base. She was again feeling very tired so she forced me on the way back to hotel. Now I decided to take help from our hotel attendant in the opening the bottle. We enjoyed the wine together with some light snacks and went to bed afterwards. 


Next morning, we packed our luggage and left the room. We took our lunch and decided to visit the zoo. It was really good experience as we were again at a big height and could see the city in a glance. The weather was damn good and soon it started raining. We enjoyed a lot there and then returned to the city, hired a taxi and soon we were in Kathgodam, where we had to take train for Delhi. 


During the whole trip, we felt that everybody was noticing us for my different looks. My girl friend said, "At first they look you then turn to me and again to you, finally." At many spots we were capturing the public attention. We went in an art exhibition and the organizer asked me if I were an artist. He asked me to pose with the paintings hanging on the wall for the photos to be sent to the newspapers. We noticed same kind of attention many times there. Even the public toilet attendant praised me and my beard. After all, this was a great experience to be with my girlfriend for complete three days. I'd really like to go on another trip with her after this  September. The place may be changed this time. I'm thinking of Dharmshala in HP. Let's see, what happens.

After The Break

More than a fortnight has gone since I updated my blog last time. You see, this distraction was initiated by a serious altercation with my girlfriend and then some other accidental happenings kept me away. I'm really sad as I'm feeling unable to compete with my expectations. Anyways, these days I'm trying to resume my usual routine. 

You know its really tough to be successful at each and every sphere of your life. For example, you can't satisfy your spouse when you are doing well at your work and of course vice versa. In fact, I'm not feeling very comfortable today. But still I'm kinda forcing myself to write something. See what a dedication I have for a blog without any follower or reader. Actually, I want to make sure that it doesn't lose its writer too. So now, I'm here with my keyboard once again. But as usual I don't know what to talk about. There are some complicated issues that I really want to discuss today but I can't dare to be so personal and also that I want to avoid such sentimental issues. I know you can't get what I'm talking about but no worries, it happens sometime. 

Learning is always tough for me and unfortunately, I'm on a mission of learning now a days. Learning in various fields in the same time makes the scenario worse. My friend says that it's not you, who decides what to do but the situations and circumstances do it for you. You can only make your mind for it. Same in this case, I want to get involved in some other things but believe me, I'm compelled. So you see, I'm here to write while I don't know what to write. Okay, glad to tell you that some new subjects just flashed in my mind. I can talk about some topics from Indian history. I can remember my school days or I can talk about my struggles after the schooling. And even my family background will make an interesting topic. Meanwhile I'm feeling very tired and sleepy. And you can say, it's the reason behind my confusion. So, I think the best option is to go to bed now and complete it tomorrow. I feel it'll be easy to decide the topic with a fresh and happy mind. So let's say good night. See you at earliest.

PRAHAR: The Final Attack

Hi, there. So, it's the third day and just like previous days, I don't have any idea what to write about. Let me start with my weird schedule of today. I was awake all the night yesterday and went to bed at 8 am. Last night I watched 'Prahar: The Final Attack', a Hindi movie based on the hooliganism and the chaos in the the society. Nana Patekar was in lead role. I watched this movie first time before many years in my mausi's home. It was one of lucky days of my life as I won the first prize in a GK competition on the same day. I still remember, It was a Sunday when I appeared in the competition in the morning, received the first prize in the evening and I entertained this movie in between.

 I think now I have found a very interesting subject for today. Prahar is a very special movie, as it is written and directed by Nana Patekar. The army chief Colonel V.K.Singh played a guest role in the movie. The duo of Laxmikant & Pyarelal gave a superb music for the film. The movie has two really unforgettable tracks. One is "Hamari hi mutthi mein akash sara..." and the other one is "Dhadkan kahin ruk gayi hai...". Both songs are in my favorite list. First one is a real motivation and the other one is as romantic and melodious, as you can expect. Habib Tanvir, one of the greatest theater artists of India, played an important character in the movie. Gautam Joglekar, Madhuri Dixit, Dimple Kapadia and Makrand Deshpandey are in other important roles. The movie revolves around the issues of corruption and the attitude of tolerance of Indian society towards the issue. 

Major Chauhan (Nana Patekar) says in his statement before court during the trial of triple murder, "In the army, We know the enemy is beyond the borders and it's easy to shoot them but inside the country, it's quite hard to find out the real enemies as they are every where." The movies shows the frustration of an army major when he observes crime, corruption and terrified people in the society. He claims the terrified society to be as guilty as the ciminals. I'm feeling badly inspired by the movie. It's really a class movie. The plot, the script, the subject and treatment, everything is just perfect. Nana Patekar, Gautam Joglekar, Habib tanvir and even Madhuri Dixit are at their best. The movie uplifted my respect for all this actors all of a sudden. 

The movies forces me to think about some way for the revolution against the suffering society. Aam Admi is in the worst situation, although like Major Chauhan, I too find the society responsible for its condition, I want to invent some magical trick to get rid of the corruption and corrupt politics of the country. I'm not sure whether I can do something or not but believe me I want to do something and certainly. You see, I'm a fan of my own creativity. I can invent ways to attract the crowd and media. I'v done it successfully for several times now. So why can't I invent a trick to work on our rotten system. I'm feeling like challenged, really.

Does Really Satyamev Jayate In This Country ?

This is just the second post of this diary and I'm feeling like addicted. I know there is nobody to read it but still I'm excited to write. Today, we were talking about the inhumanity, our soldier have to face during their training. My parents were recalling an incident when they were on their trip of South India. In a train they met some new combat members of BSF. Probably, they were returning from their training. Most of them were from Bihar and Uttarakhand. They told them about the barbarous behavior of their officers during their training period. 

They told them how brutal punishments they get. Sometimes officers rub their faces with stones on finding them not well shaved. The instructors hit their feet with the boots on even small mistakes. They are made to crawl on the rough floor resulting in the bleeding knees and elbows. Sometimes they are ordered to stand in the direct sun for hours. Many of them get sick or even become unconscious sometimes and need to visit the hospitals afterwards. One of them told that he never wanted to join the army but he was forced by her sister to join the armed force for a better and safe future. He said that he still wanted to run away from this insulting job. They told that once some of their officers were also travelling with them in the same train. They found them doing something wrong and gave the punishment on the platform before a huge crowd of travelers. So they were not happy at all with their so called patriotic job. 

They believe that they are forced to do the job for money as their are not enough opportunities to earn the livelihood respectfully in this country. They further told about the attitude of their families. Their families do their best to encash their hard work and struggle. The families wait for their marriages more desperately than themselves as they know that the marriage is the quickest way to improve their financial and social status. They demand a big sum of money from the girl's family and even hand over a complete list of the articles that they are expecting in dowry. Fourwheelers are very common in such lists. 

You'll not believe that we're told since our childhood about the dowry that we are going to get from the girl's family in the marriage. People, at least here in north India, play a very common game with the little boys. They ask their kids if they want to be married. What kind of girl they will prefer, sometimes they are given two options for it. Option one, fair complexioned. Option two, dark complexioned. And believe me mostly, the second option is 'Black', not even the dark complexioned. I'm surprised what they want to insert in the brains of small kids in a country of brown people. I remember I used to select option one always and it made my dear ones very happy. I know they will be really sorry to know that ultimately I went for option two and it makes me happy that once again I revolted against the society. And the next question they ask their children is, what they would like to get in dowry. I can still recall that I was asked the same question in my childhood many times by my parents and some close relatives and I was also one of the children who take a pen and paper and prepare a complete list of their beloved articles some times full of toys, they love to play with. I wrote the name of each and every thing in the list, that I wanted to have. There was a TV, a fridge, a cooler, a scooter, a car and a lot. 

The roots of the dowry system lies in the psychology of the greedy Indian society and we know that no country becomes great because of their high principle unless they don't come in practice. A TV show is gathering the popularity and people in the country think that it will proved to be a successful initiative in the fight against the inhumane traditions. But they don't understand the gravity of issue. Here in India the principles are always out of practice. They never follow their role models here. You see, here in the film industry of the country, for decades, each and every movie used to be a love story. But still, in this country of the Hippocrates, love is never accepted publicly. Their God, Lord Krishna, had an intense love affair with Radha, a girl from his village and devotees still worship Radha, even she was not married to Krishna. But when it comes to the practical life, they could never be able to digest love affairs. So I seriously doubt if their role model can really inspire them to eradicate dowry and other big deceases of the Indian society. What do you think ?

The First Post

This is the first post of my blog or my diary to be precise so I'm confused about what to write here as it's my first day. You know first day is always tough, no matter which kind of first day it is. I still remember my first day at school, I can still visualize the red brick wall of my classroom. It's tough time for any kid to be in the class for the first time.

I'll also love to talk about my first date. I was not much comfortable at all when I was with her for the first time. There was a bunch of reasons responsible for it. We are a social media couple and it was our first meeting in the real world. I had not even looked her ever before. We met in the streets of Orkut, which was the first famous social media platform in India. Soon we progressed to google talk and then obviously to phone talks and it did not take us long time to be committed, finally. And this was my first love too, if you exclude my one sided love stories.

 By the way, one sided love stories have their own charm. Lot of passion is a characteristic quality of such pathetic stories. You know, it had been more than one time when I was engaged with someone completely one sided. First time, in my classroom I liked a girl but you see, I was very much young then. So the story can be ignored. But later, in the days of my adolescence, I seriously fell in love with a girl. She was the most beautiful girl of my class. Even I can say that she was the fairest in the whole school or the whole town. I was crazy for her, literary. I used to take a seat opposite to her and try gazing her whenever I got time. It was not uncommon to be caught by her. But I think not many students of our class could ever catch me or may be us. Who knows what she thought about me and my gaze.

My life was circulating around her those days. I used to wonder around her home. One of my far relatives lived near her house for some days and believe me this was the golden time for me. I was always in the search of a chance for visiting them and each and every time I went to them, I tried to go upstairs as the roof of her one story house was completely visible from the second floor of the house, my relatives lived in. Once I just crossed the line of craziness in this one sided love. It was getting darker in the evening and I was in the roof of my relatives house. You will not believe that I even throw some small stones at her roof to get her attention or to get a chance to see her. As I was expecting her coming up to inquire about the stone pelting at her roof. And you know, I got success. She came to the roof, finally. I'm sure that she looked me when I was trying to hide myself from her eyes. Then I felt very embraced and just disappeared. Next day, I was not feeling quite normal in the class room. Don't know why, but I feel that she knew that I liked her so badly. In the small town, we were living, it was not a common thing. We were considered to be the most intelligent, and so the most genuine students of the school so it was not a very usual thing to have a scholar wandering your house. And in the studies too, I had a better reputation than her. You see, even after ten years I became so excited about her. You can just imagine the heat in my heart at that time.

I loved dreaming of her all the time and I think she was one of the biggest obstacles in my studies. Love is as divine as death as it can freeze your soul. You know the pathetic side of the story, I never talked to her after leaving the school. We met sometimes on the road and exchanged our glances accidentally but could never exchanged words. She's now married and I'm too committed so the story is perfectly over. But still you want to talk to a person, whom you used to be attracted to, or for whom you used to feel love, even one sided.

Life is really complicated. You loose your friends, your classmates, your workmates with the time and the life express always keeps running forward leaving behind each and everything. I'v wrote a lot but it seems like I'v just started. This is the great thing about writing. When you start, you're out of words and when you finish you're out of time.